I Hope He Never Is.

From the time my oldest (now 10) was between 18-24 months old he started to travel with me for my job. Many of my accounts came to know him and he them. We could go into a store and I could tell him what to do and he would do it. I've changed diapers in parking lots and rest stops. Gone swimming in countless hotel pools. And I've even lost a fairly nice set of head phones when I made the mistake of letting him wear them to watch a movie while we were driving once.  He was my best buddie in the whole world and my co-pilot along many miles of road. On the times that he wasn't with me, he would meet me every night. I would call home when I was about 1/3 mile from home and as I would turn the penske truck into the spot next to out little house, he and my wife would be standing there waiting. I would pull up and put the truck into park and then signal and he'd come a runnin'. He would climb onto my lap and help me drive as I would turn the truck around behind the house. Once parked again he would play with the lights or wipers, or heater, or something else and just laugh with me.
     I really miss those times. Once he started pre-school it was harder and harder to take him because of his school schedule. The younger son went with me a few times, but he was just never the traveler that his brother was. What started as at least monthly trips, dwindled down to maybe once a year. (twice if we were lucky) The special bond we shared wained. I admit I'm to blame more than him. I miss what we had something fierce and now I'm not sure how to get it back. In a few weeks he will go with me for my next trip and this one will be for almost two full weeks. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I want to reconnect with him in and maybe rekindle what we once had, but I'm afraid that I won't know what to say. I want to be not only a good dad to him, but his friend. I want him to know that he can come to me for anything. He's sooo much like me that it's painful for me to watch sometimes. I think I know better than anyone what he's going through. I was terribly shy when I was his age and so is he. I had no idea really who I was and he is the same. If anyone should be albe to understand him is should be me. I think he feels the same way too. It's like he wants to have what we once did, but doesn't know how to either. The other day I was sitting at my desk playing a game on the computer and he came down and stood by me for a little while and then said, "Dad. I know I'm probably too old, but can I sit on your lap?" I held my arm up and he sat down on my lap and just watched me play, as I just had my arm around him. You know, I hope he never is too old to sit on my lap. I hope he never is afraid to ask if he can. And ohhhh how I hope that I'm never dumb enought to say NO.